''False Incompetence Is Dominance Under Guise''

Alanah Herron
Oct 7
5 min read

What Paris Paloma’s Labour Teaches Us About Gender, Power, and Self-Reflection

(October 2025 – Domestic Violence Awareness Month)

The lyric that struck a chord

A particular line in an already impactful song stood out to me more than anything else...

When Paris Paloma released her evocative single Labour, the world listened intently — not merely because it is hauntingly beautiful and sonically captivating, but also because it articulates profound sentiments that resonate deeply with a vast audience. The lyrics encapsulate the struggles and burdens that many individuals, particularly women, recognize and endure in their daily lives. Hidden within its intricate rhythm and melodic lines is a sharp social critique that addresses the pervasive and often insidious ways in which gendered expectations, emotional labor, and subtle power dynamics can weigh women down, stifling their potential and autonomy.

The phrase that would not leave my mind that inspired this article “The false incompetence is dominance under guise” stands out as a poignant encapsulation of one of the most common — yet frequently overlooked — patterns that manifest in modern relationships and workplace environments. This concept refers to the act of pretending helplessness as a strategic maneuver to shift responsibility onto others, thereby creating a dynamic where the individual feigning incompetence gains an undue advantage. This behavior can be particularly damaging, as it often undermines the contributions and efforts of those around them, creating an imbalance that fosters resentment and frustration.

In domestic life, this dynamic can play out in various scenarios, such as when one partner deliberately avoids engaging in tasks or decision-making processes, thereby placing the burden of responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the other. This manipulation not only perpetuates traditional gender roles but also reinforces outdated stereotypes about women being more nurturing or capable of handling emotional labor, while simultaneously allowing the individual feigning incompetence to maintain a position of control and authority without having to exert genuine effort.

In professional settings, the implications of this behavior can be equally profound. Colleagues may encounter individuals who, while appearing to lack the skills or knowledge required to complete tasks, are in fact employing this tactic to divert attention from their own shortcomings. This can lead to a toxic work environment where genuine collaboration is stifled, and the contributions of competent team members are overshadowed by the manipulative tactics of those who choose to play the role of the incapable. The result is a cycle of dependency and frustration, where the true potential of the team is never fully realized due to the presence of individuals who prioritize personal gain over collective success.

Ultimately, the lyric from Labour serves as a powerful reminder of the complexities inherent in human relationships, both personal and professional. By shining a light on the often unspoken dynamics of false incompetence and the ways in which it can be wielded as a tool for dominance, Paris Paloma invites listeners to reflect on their own experiences and the societal structures that shape them. It encourages a critical examination of the roles we play, the expectations we uphold, and the impact of our behaviors on those around us. In doing so, it not only resonates with individuals who have felt the weight of these dynamics but also fosters a broader conversation about empowerment, responsibility, and the need for authenticity in our interactions.

Insights from Ireland's Data Analysis

These lyrical insights mirror lived reality. Recent Irish research shows the weight of invisible labour still falls largely on women.

According to the Central Statistics Office (CSO), 61 % of unpaid carers in Ireland are women, compared to 39 % men (CSO 2024).
The IHREC / ESRI report “Caring and Unpaid Work in Ireland” found women consistently log more unpaid hours, especially when caring is included (IHREC 2019).
Women’s Aid Ireland recorded 46,765 disclosures of abuse in 2024, a 17 % increase from 2023 (Women’s Aid 2024).
Physical and economic abuse rose sharply, with one-third of women contacting services reporting abuse from ex-partners (Irish Times 2024).

Behind every data point is someone living the reality Labour voices — carrying the mental load, the unpaid work, the expectation of care, and often, the silence that accompanies control.

Silence, control, and the emotional toll

“Silence,” Paloma’s song reminds us, “is not peace.” In many households and workplaces, silence hides overwork, resentment, or fear. Women internalise the pressure to “keep things running,” often gaslit into believing that imbalance is normal.

Irish social research confirms this: survivors of coercive control and emotional abuse frequently describe self-doubt and exhaustion as barriers to seeking help. Emotional labour — managing conflict, caretaking others’ moods, explaining behaviour — becomes both invisible and endless.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, an opportunity to make the invisible visible — through education, solidarity, and action.

If you or someone you know needs confidential support in Ireland:

👉 Women’s Aid 24-Hour National Freephone Helpline: 1800 341 900/ womensaid.ie

👉 Safe Ireland offers refuge and frontline services: safeireland.ie

No one should carry the burden of silence alone.

Where coaching enters the conversation

While Labour exposes the cost of invisible work, coaching can offer a safe space for reflection and boundaries — provided it is trauma-informed and ethically grounded.

1. Coaching is not therapy

A certified coach does not diagnose or treat trauma. Instead, they help clients notice patterns — like over-functioning, people-pleasing, or assuming others’ responsibilities — and identify values-based choices. If disclosure of abuse arises, the coach’s ethical duty is to signpost to specialist services, not to process trauma.

2. Self-reflection as empowerment

Coaching invites gentle questions:

Where do I feel most responsible for others’ comfort?
What stories have I internalised about competence, care, or guilt?
What would setting a boundary look like in practice?

Writing, journalling, or discussing such reflections in coaching sessions can help rebuild a sense of agency — a vital step in healing from chronic imbalance.

3. Embedding safety

Trauma-informed coaching principles include:

Consent and pacing — clients lead the depth of exploration.
Clear boundaries between support and therapy.
Awareness of signs that require referral to a therapist or domestic-violence specialist.
Use of grounding tools and body awareness to stay present.

By foregrounding safety and self-trust, coaching becomes a space for re-learning autonomy — not a site of re-exposure.

Why songs like Labour matter in coaching practice

Music often reaches truths our rational minds resist. Using reflective prompts drawn from art — such as analysing the power dynamics in Labour — can spark powerful, non-directive exploration in coaching.For example:

“What parts of the song feel familiar to you?”
“Where might you be taking on invisible labour in your life?”
“What boundaries would shift the balance of care?”

Used carefully, such exercises help clients name patterns before they become crises.

From Song to Reality

Paris Paloma’s lyric — “false incompetence is dominance under guise” — captures the personal and political dimensions of relationships, workplaces, and systems that depend on women’s unpaid and unseen labor. In Ireland, this imbalance is deeply rooted, but coaching within safe boundaries can help individuals recognize and adjust these dynamics without pathologizing them or minimizing harm. Ultimately, awareness, research, and reflective practice highlight a simple truth: Naming what’s invisible is the first act of liberation.

Further Reading & Resources